Adam Lambert Kisses Boy, Challanges Double Standard

Before his AMA Music Award Performance last night, Adam Lambert said that he wanted to break down the double standard that exists, where male musicians rarely perform in the sexually provocative manner that has become so commonplace for female performers. Lambert didn’t hold back. His act consisted of both male and female dancers, all portrayed a provacative fashion. Lambert led a male dancer around on a leash, put another dancer’s head near his crotch, and ended his performance by kissing a man. Lambert was applauded by some and harshly criticized by others.

Although highly provacative, Lambert’s performance, was not unlike the performances I’ve seen of popular female singers, and his kiss was a lot like the Madonna-Brittany Spears kiss. This raises an interesting issue, in today’s world, are men still judged significantly more harshly than women for displays of sexually provocative and homosexual or bisexual behavior, and if so, why?

From my experience, there is an obvious answer to this question. Not to say women go without judgment, but there’s no doubt that men are judged more harshly for dressing in a sexually provocative manner and for homosexual or bisexual behavior. The more interesting and telling questions are why the double standard, what’s its effect, and is it changing?

I find the gay-straight continuum theory the most compelling theory to explain human sexual preference. Based on the continuum theory, only a small percentage of people are 100% gay or 100% straight, that is if we lived in a world without expectation or judgment regarding one’s sexuality, most of us, even we who identify ourselves as completely heterosexual, would have to admit to some homosexual tendancies, not matter how slight. Although many heterosexual people are capable of being sexually aroused by the same sex, people often repress homosexual urges and deny their existence to others, because hetereosexual behavior has traditionally been considered more socially and morally acceptable.

Based on this theory, it makes perfect sense that more women are admitedly bisexual. Why? A lot of men think it’s hot, so even if women aren’t otherwise any more inclined towards bisexuality then men, women are much more likely to act on and admit to homosexual attractions. I’ve witnessed plently of primarily heterosexual women admit to or act on bisexual tendancies, to get attention from men; women who wouldn’t have done so, but for the eager male audience. If women start viewing male homoerotic behavior as a turn on, I have little doubt that, with time, at least as many men as women would admit to same sex attraction.

Another major factor is that the vast majority of the sexualized images women see throughout their lives are of women. That being the case, even women can’t help but take part in objectifing other women. Again, with time, I believe that with increased exposure to sexualized images of men, men will be objectified to the same extent. Considering the popularity of Twilight, The New Moon, and Adam Lambert, we’re heading in that direction.

Just as many heterosexuals have some ability to or tendency towards homosexual attraction, even if never admitted to or acted upon, homosexuals may also have some level of attraction to or ability to become sexual aroused by the opposite sex. The reason it’s less common for men to be openly bisexual than women is due to the social stigma attached, men are more likely to repress sexual attraction toward the same sex, unless that attraction is extremely strong, meaning the guy is way over on the gay side of the gay-straight continuum.

Why does the leisbian/gay man double standard exist? Throughout history, those identifying themselves as straight men have held most of the social and political power, and a lot of straight men are not comfortable revealing they have any gay inclination. It’s not seen as macho. Revealing such an inclination would make them feel vulnerable. Because most men are primarily heterosexual, they would rather look at and be with women then men anyway, so acting on a same sex attraction hasn’t been worth the social stigma it carries. Women, who have had less power traditionally, have been the sex more likely to conform to what men want. Because of this, women are more likely to go along with the objectification of other women, then to objectify men.

Obviously not all bi women who act on it are doing it to please men, but if men treated bisexual behavior between girls as disgusting, female bisexual tendancies would be much less commonly acted on. A man’s typical sexual fantasy with lesbians, involves the girls putting on a show for the man and wanting to please him. The idea of two men putting on a show for women is less appealing to straight men, not only because of the social stigma attached, but because it takes away the feeling of being macho and in control.

If the gay-straight continiuum theory holds true, once women allow themselves to enjoy the thought of and site of male homoerotica, male bisexual behavior and female bisexual behavior will be seen in a very similar fashion and the additional stigma associated with male homosexuality will fade away.

What do you think? How much of a role will a person like Adam Lambert, who’s desired by gay men and women alike, have in changing this double standard? It would be interesting to hear from individuals who identify themselves as gay, straight, and bi.

Adam Lambert Kisses A Boy during AMA performance

Adam Lambert Kisseed A Boy during his performance at the AMA music awards show tonight. It’s not considered the norm for a women to enjoy the site of men together, but, it otherwise reminded me of the Madonna-Brittany Spears kiss, which I recall a lot of men enjoying.

Adam Lambert has sex appeal, to gay men and straight women alike. Have women become more comfortable or even turned on seeing men make out? How much does your opinion of the kiss depend on your level of attraction to Adam Lambert ?

For more about the Adam Lambert Performance, I’ve added my entry entitled Adam Lambert Kisses Boy, Challanges Double Standard below.

The you tube video link I posted earlier to Lambert’s performance no longer works due to copyright law violation, here’s a link to a picture of the kiss for those who haven’t seen it. http://tiny.cc/B5Obw

Lambert Says He Set Out to Challange Double Standard
About his AMA Music Award Performance, Adam Lambert said that he wanted to break down the double standard that exists, where male musicians rarely perform in the sexually provocative manner that has become so commonplace for female performers. Lambert didn’t hold back. His act consisted of both male and female dancers, all portrayed in a similiar, provacative fashion. Lambert led a male dancer around on a leash, put another male’s head to his crotch and ended his performance by kissing a man. Lambert’s performance was applauded by some and harshly criticized by others.

Although highly provacative, Lambert’s performance, was not unlike the performances I’ve seen of popular female singers, and his kiss was a lot like the Madonna-Brittany Spears kiss. This raises an interesting issue, in today’s world, are men still judged significantly more harshly than women for displays of sexually provocative and homosexual behavior, and if so, why?

From my experience, there is an obvious answer to this question. There’s no doubt that men are judged more harshly for dressing in a sexually provocative manner and for homosexual or bisexual behavior. The more interesting and telling questions are why the double standard, what’s its effect, and is it changing?

I find the gay-straight continuum theory the most compelling theory to explain human sexual preference. Based on the continuum theory, only a small percentage of people are 100% gay or 100% straight, that is if we lived in a world without expection expectation or judgment regarding one’s sexuality, most of us, even we who identify ourselves as completely heterosexual, would have to admit to some homosexual tendancies, even if slight. Although many heterosexual people are capable of being sexually aroused by the same sex, people tend to repress homosexual urges or desires and deny their existence to others, because hetereosexual behavior has traditionally been considered more socially and morally acceptable.

Based on this theory, it makes perfect sense that more women are bisexual. Why? A lot of men think it’s hot, so if women aren’t otherwise any more inclined towards bisexuality, women are much more likely to act on and admit to homosexual attractions then men are. I’ve witnessed a lot of women say or act like they are into girls, just to get attention from men. If women start viewing male homoerotic behavior as a turn on, I have little doubt that, with time, at least as many men as women would admit to same sex attraction.

Another major factor is that the vast majority of the sexualized images women see throughout their lives are of women. That being the case, even women can’t help but take part in objectifing other women. Again, with time, I believe that with increased exposure to sexualized images of men, men will be objectified to the same extent. Considering the popularity of Twilight, The New Moon, and Adam Lambert, we’re heading in that direction.

Just as many heterosexuals have some ability to or tendency towards homosexual attraction, even if never admitted to or acted upon, homosexuals may also have some level of attraction to or ability to become sexual aroused by the opposite sex. The reason it’s less common for men to be openly bisexual than women is due to the social stigma attached, men are more likely to repress sexual attraction toward the same sex, unless that attraction is extremely strong, meaning the guy is way over on the gay side of the gay-straight continuum.

Why does the leisbian/gay man double standard exist? Throughout history, those identifying themselves as straight men have held most of the social and political power, and a lot of straight men are not comfortable revealing they have any gay inclination. It’s not seen as macho. Revealing such an inclination would make them feel vulnerable. Because most men are primarily heterosexual, they would rather look at and be with women then men anyway, so acting on a same sex attraction hasn’t been worth the social stigma it carries. Women, who have had less power traditionally, have been the sex more likely to conform to what men want. Because of this, women are more likely to go along with the objectification of other women, then to objectify men.

If men thought bisexual behavior between girls was disgusting, it would be much less commonly acted on. A man’s typical sexual fantasy with lesbians, involves the girls putting on a show for the man and wanting to please him. The idea of two men putting on a show for women is less appealing to straight men, not only because of the social stigma attached, but because it takes away the feeling of being macho and in control.

If the gay-straight continiuum theory holds true, once women allow themselves to enjoy the thought of and site of male homoerotica, male bisexual behavior and female bisexual behavior will be seen in a very similar fashion and the additional stigma associated with male homosexuality will fade away.

What do you think? How much of a role will a person like Adam Lambert, who’s desired by gay men and women alike, have in changing this double standard? It would be interesting to hear from individuals who identify themselves as gay, straight, and bi.

Oprah raises issue: Are today’s women into Porn?

We’ve all heard that men are  more visually stimulated then women, but the main difference might be that men are just more likely to admit to it.

On Oprah yesterday, it was revealed that 1 out of 3 consumers of internet pornography are women, but the majority of female porn users keep it a secret.  Recent studies have also shown that women are just as sexually aroused by viewing pornography as men are, and and other ways behave similiarly to men when it comes to sex.

It appears that women’s and men’s sexual behavior is much more similiar then previously realized, women are just less honest about it because of the whole stud/slut double standard.  A lot of what has been known about sexuality comes from questionaires, but self-reports are unreliable.   This was learned in a recent  study, where men and women were surveyed about their sexual behaviors.  Later, the men and women were asked the same questions, but were led to believe they were undergoing a polygraph test.  Women’s answers changed significantly when they believed their lies would be detected, while men’s anwers changed little.  Not suprisingly, it was found that men did exaggrate their sexuality to some extent, while women denied being as sexual as they actually were.  Based on the honest responses to questions about sexuality, women’s and men’s sexual behavior is incredibly similiar.  A lot of what we’ve learned about sexuality is based on surveys that just aren’t accurate.

One difference found in women’s and men’s physical reaction to pornograpy was that women were more turned on by viewing other women then men were viewing other men.  This is not at all surprising when the vast majority of sexualized images we see throughout our lives are of women, not of men.  Because men admit to being turned on by lesbian behavior, it makes sense that women are less likely to repress their sexual attractions to other women.  Think about it, if men were as commonly objectified and women said men together was hot, the number of bisexual men would eventually increase too.

Even though more men admit to using and enjoying pornography, that doesn’t mean that women are less capable of visual stimulation.  It appears that the biggest difference between men’s and women’s sexuality is what’s considered normal and acceptable, ideas that were created at a time when women had little independance or power.  The idea that men are turned on by the image of a naked women is not only socially acceptable, but is expected.  That’s not true for women.  Few women will even admit they are attracted to a naked male body.

To a great extent, objectification is a learned behavior, men learn to do it, women learn not to.  As children, boys and girls learn not to stare and that the genitals are private.  Many boys aren’t immediately comfortable staring at women’s bodies, seeing pornographic images,  or admitting to porn use or masturbation.  But boys are told that it is normal to enjoy porn, and even recieve messages that it’s abnormal not to.  Over time, they become comfortable.  Girls rarely become anywhere close to as comfortable staring at or objectifying the male body.

Despite women’s interest in pornography, the vast majority of porn is made for the pleasure of either gay or straight men.  A lot of the men in straight porn aren’t even that attractive.  Women can change this, but we must have the courage to admit we to are sexual beings too.  Until that occurs, we cannot expect that women and men will be held to the same standards in their sexual behavior, and women will continue to be ashamed of and repress their sexuality.

Why You Should Care about the Slut/Stud Double Standard

Women are still labeled sluts for the same behavior people find acceptable, excusable, and sometimes admirable in men.  This double standard effects both men and women in a negative way and is More Dangerous then You May Realize.

1. It  is used to damage girls’ reputations and self esteems

2. It plays a role in maintaining inequality between the sexes. It is a factor that prevents females from being treated as respected individuals, equal to men

3. It is used to justifiy irresponsible and abusive male sexual behavior.

4. It even prevents men and women from fully enjoying sex within a monogomus relationship. Many women feel shameful and uncomfortable expressing their sexual desires in a normal, healthy way, and fully enjoying their sexuality, even within marriage, leaving couples dissatisfied and more vulnerable to cheating.  Recent studies show women behave very similarly to men sexually, but women are much less honest and much more shameful about their sexual behavior.

5. It’s commonly used as ammunition by abusers against women who are in physically, emotionally, or sexually abusive relationships, and is effective making victim’s feel undeserving of better treatment.

6. It hurts female rape victims. Women are encouraged to play hard to get, leading men to wonder if No means No.  Women are led to feel damaged if sexually abused.  Women are afraid to report rape for fear that their sexual histories will be revealed.  Women’s sexual histories are used to discount their credibility.

7. It hurts victims of sexual harassment, for reasons similiar to those listed above.

8. It encourages men to take part in disrespectful and risky sexual behavior. Men are frequently labeled gay if they refuse to take part in sexualizing women.

9. It breeds distrust and a lack of understanding between the sexes, and creates an environment of disrepect and insecurity.

What You Can Do About It:

The first step is awareness.  The double standard is so ingrained in us, many people don’t think twice about participating in it’s continuation.   Take notice of the prevalence of the double standard in tv, movies, and life in general.  Recognize it as problematic, apply the same judgment to males and females for the same behaviors, and speak up when this rule is violated.

The double standard has done little to discourage irresponsible behavior.  Recent studies show that the sexual behavior of men and women is very similiar, women are just less honest and more shameful about it.  Self respect, morality, pregnancy and disease, and other real consequences of promiscious sexual behavior that effect both women and men should be enough of a reason to avoid irresponsible, self destructive, sexual behavior.   It’s time both sexes are held to the same standard.

To learn where the double standard came from and why it persists click here: http://tiny.cc/mwzWj

5 Rarely Considered Reasons that Women Don’t Objectify Men and Why It’s Time for Change

Today’s women seem to show more interest in looking at other women then looking at men.  What sense does this make?  Here are 5 rarely considered reasons why the majority of heterosexual women have yet to show interest in seeing the male body and why it’s time for change.

1. Men have money, women want money. Traditionally, women relied on men’s support for their very survival.  Because of this, women’s efforts were best spent 1)increasing their own desirability, 2)comparing themselves to other women of desire in order to successfully compete for men, and 3)to avoid doing or saying anything that would make them less desirable to men.  In today’s world, women are educated, have careers, have the ability to support themselves, and can be just as independent as men, and many are.

2. Men have more physical strength.  Historically, women put themselves in danger if they didn’t conform to what men wanted, because physical strength was necessary for survival.  Now we have laws in place to protect women from rape and other forms of violence, and there’s a strong social stigma attached to violating those laws.  In countries without these protections for women, it is extremely dangerous for women to rebel against men’s preferences.  Even today, women are stoned to death for violating sexual norms.  In parts of the Middle East, it’s considered acceptable to kill a female rape victim, because the victim is viewed to have disgraced the family by her rape.  Men don’t fear being physically harmed by women they stare at, harass, or come on to.  Women have more reason for concern.

3. Women are primary caretakers of children. While women were stuck at home with children, they did not have the opportunity, time, money, or independence to pursue their own interests.  Now women have birth control, have fewer children, later in life, and men’s and women’s responsibilities for childrearing are becoming more equal.

4. Men have the power. Men still have the majority of socio economic and political power.  As a result, women have been quick to conform to men’s desires.  Few women who gain power have brought other women up with them, and as with anything, people are slow to change.  Even today, women have few opportunities to develop the habits of viewing men sexually.

5.Shame if a strong deterrent.  Historically, paternity testing did not exist and men wanted to ensure they were the biological fathers of the children they were supporting.  This is why the sexual double standard came into existence. Even today, men feel much more secure when their woman is thinking about them, love, kids, cooking, and cleaning, then lusting for others.  Women are socialized to feel shameful for having impure thoughts.  Although women would also feel more secure if their men had similar devotion and focus, women are told, men can’t help it, it’s the way they’re made. After all, there has to be some explanation for the existence of the sexual double standard.

 

Women mistake sexual attention for liberation and power

In a review of “Female Chauvinist Pigs” for the New York Times, author Jennifer Egan wrote:

“Our popular culture has embraced a model of female sexuality that comes straight from pornography and strip clubs, in which the woman’s job is to excite and titillate — to perform for men.”

Girls have bought into the idea that our objectification is empowering; that looking sleazy is liberating. Sexualizing ourselves for attention and playing an active role in our objectification, will not lead to equality between the sexes. Increased objectification only furthers inequality.

Girls Gone Wild, sexting, stripper poles at parties and bars, glamorizing the lives of girls who pose naked, and treating them as celebrities, and other trends of this sort do not further the equality of women. Especially when it’s almost exclusively women who are portraying themselves this way.

Women should enjoy their sexuality in a responsible, self respecting way, because it’s pleasurable, not because it gets them attention.  It’s negative attention. Women we need to stop encouraging and engaging in our own objectification. The ability to get sexual attention is not what we should be striving for.  Strive for respect, influence, positive attention from quality people, longterm success and happiness. If you want to be noticed or want to look beautiful, be beautiful, but do it in a respectable way that gives you the attention of quality people.

Media Recommendations

This week on TV (Here’s what I’m watching on tv this week. Share your own recommendations by commenting below.)

Monday

Sex Addiction Rehab on Oprah

Friday – November 27, 2009

Dr. Phil Why do people make snap judgments and decisions about others based on minimal information? Dr. Phil is joined by TIME magazine contributor Joel Stein

 

Movies

“500” Days of Summer - This film is a complete reversal of stereotypical gender roles.  The guy is head over heals in love with the girl, and the girl wants to keep things casual and just isn’t that into him.  Despite it’s effect, the director said he intended only to portray the ups and downs of a relationship, from a male prospective, not to make a statement about gender roles.  This movie is smart, hilarious, and very well done.  It was interesting to learn that the script was rejected by every single major studio, because it didn’t fit neatly into the romantic comedy category and wasn’t expected to be so well received.  Also interesting, the movie went over better with guys and then girls during testing phase.  It is refreshing to see a romantic comedy-type movie that shows us how confusing and far off gender stereotypes can be and to see the girl’s role as something other then the vulnerable, naïve one who gets hurt.

Magazines

Check out People Magazine’s Sexist Man of the Week Section, included in every issue.

Books

The Political Brain by Drew Westen. Explains why the fear tactics and negative ads used by the Republican party have been so effective and what the democrats can do to increase their success in campaigning strategy.  Explains that people’s voting decisions are based more on emotion brought out by candidate then on rationality or competence.  It was Bill Clinton’s and Barack Obama’s ability to arouse emotion that made them so successful.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Violence is more predictable then you might think.  The book teaches readers how to follow your intuition and see the read flags that occcur before a situation or relationship become violent.  Learn how to use your intuition in order to avoid abusive, violent people and situations.  Great book, well written, incredibly worthwhile.

The Emasculation of Men

Some people have real fear about the emasculation of today’s men.  What is the fear of emasculation based on, and is it a legitimate concern?

No doubt, gender roles have beome blurred in the lives of many Americans, and women’s expectations of men have changed.  Today’s men are expected to be more considerate of their partner’s feelings and more expressive of their own feelings.  Men are feeling increased pressure to accept women as their equals, to take a larger role in raising their children, and to help out around the house.

Although Women are also moving into traditionally male roles, with full time professional job responsibilites, women don’t seem nearly as concerned that they are losing their femininity.  Why is that?  Is femininity less affected by societal change?  Is femininity less important then masculinity?  Maybe it is related to the insulting quality of calling a man feminine, while it’s much less offensive, sometimes complimentary, for a woman to be told she’s like a guy.

When it comes to people who I’ve heard expressing fear of emasculation, I’ve definately noticed some common themes.  These concerns are most often expressed by people who feel a strong need to maintain traditional gender roles, and who are uncomfortable with the idea of women in positions of power over men.  Men who express the concern of emasculation tend to be the macho type who are uncomfortable with any expression of empathy or emotion (other then anger) or don’t want to give up the “boys will be boys” excuse for their insensitivity towards women or inconsiderate sexual behavior.  These are often the same people who have the “men are pigs” (men saying that about themselves, followed by a smile or chuckle) or “all men care about is getting laid” mentality.  Granted, sometimes emasculation is used to describe a situation where a woman is disrespectful and verbally abusive towards the man she’s in a relationship with.  I agree that these situations are problematic.  But no more so then if a man treats the woman in the same manner, and therefore should be referred to as something other then emasculting.  Also few people prefer a whiney, wimpy person, who lacks self respect, whether your a man or woman, if this is what you’re refering to as the emasculation taking place.

I personally, would never be with the type of man who expected me to take a submissive role or who lacked any female-like qualities, and I have never had much of a problem finding a more evolved man who has met my standards.  I don’t doubt that there are plenty of men out there who feel a need to maintain traditional gender roles, but they wouldn’t like me any more then I would like them.  I’m a strong women and am unwilling to pretend I’m anything else.   I don’t believe that gender is as limiting or defining as some people make it out to be.  Most people naturally have some mixture of both feminine and masculine traits and that’s more desirable then either extreme.

If your the traditional type, find someone who is a good match for you, don’t complain about the people who aren’t.  Stop trying to dictate how others live their personal lives. I understand it’s no longer as simple as assuming all members of the same sex have the same desires and qualities, and some people will have to get used to having women in positions of power, but deal with it, it’s fortunately, not going to change.  Look at the bright side, men and women more than ever, can be who they really are, whether or not that falls neatly within traditional gender stereotypes.

Role Children’s Toys Play in Creating and Maintaining Gender Stereotypes.

Studies show that little boys show a stronger preference for trucks and action figures, then girls do for gender specific toys.  Does child’s play lead to gender stereotypes and just how much of a role do Barbies and action figures play in the development of gender roles?   Much more then people realize, I would imagine.  I also speculate that the extent of gender specific toys has more of an impact on the creation and continuing of gender sterotypes then is realized.

When I was a little girl, I  was a tomboy.  My best friend was a neighborhood boy, named Todd, and I had two brothers.  As much as I liked dolls and barbies, I liked action figures, box cars, sports, star wars, video games, and all kinds of things that weren’t considered girl’s play.  My friend Todd and I switched off between playing with boy toys and playing with girl toys.  Although I experienced some societal pressure to be girly, and subtle pressure from my parents, like getting dolls rather then transformers as gifts, I was never all that discouraged from being a tomboy.   On the other hand, my friend Todd was clearly discouraged from playing with girls’ toys.  One Christmas he wanted a doll and his dad become really upset.  He ended up getting the doll, but the message was sent that it wasn’t normal or ok for a boy to enjoy dolls.  Due to fear that he was becoming too girly, his parents only let him invite boys to his next birthday party, and I was slowly removed from his life, along with his enjoyment of girly toys.  I don’t have any specific recollections, but I would guess that my brothers were encouraged to play with boy, rather then girl, toys.

In my husband’s family, there was less pressure to conform to gender stereotypes.  His parents bought him and his brother dolls and the males weren’t as discouraged from showing emotion.  Even today, the gender roles in his family are more flexible then in most.  The men are more nurturing and emotional and his brother is a primary caretaker of his children by choice.  The women in the family have advanced degrees and successful careers.

How much of a role do subtle and not so subtle cues from adults about what’s gender approriate play on gender related toy preferences?  Over time even subtle influences can become major influences

Boys toys include athletic, construction, and violence-oriented toys such as legos, games, sporting goods, and guns. Girls toys include dress-up outfits, toy houses, kitchen sets, dolls, barbies, and medicine kits. Using toys, parents teach stereotypical gender roles to their children.  Girls are taught to be nurturers, homemakers, and to show off their bodies and focus on fashion and appearance.  While boys learn to build things, fix things, to be athletic, rough and tough, to work with tools, to tinker with things and explore, to like cars, trucks, and electronics.  Upon closer examination, you’ll notice that toys influences children’s first impressions of sexuality as well.  Barbie has the perfect body and shows it off.  Barbie was actually initially created as a sexually appealing toy for adult men.  It’s not uncommon to see female characters in revealing clothing in star wars and other action figures sets.  Females appear on sports shows like wrestling and football primarly for the purpose of men’s sexual interest.

Toys teach children who they are supposed to be  and what they are supposed to do. Girls are supposed to be sexy, delicate, nurturing.  Girls are supposed to chase after boys, then stay home and raise the babies, cook and clean. Boys they are supposed to be strong, macho, capable of fixing and building things, able to navigate, self sufficient, and drawn to sex and violence.  The next time you walk through a toy section or buy a girl a barbie, be aware of the role toys play in encouraging gender stereotypes.

Jaycee Dugard Story and Why It Shouldn’t Have Happened

TLC aired a special on the Jaycee Dugard’s kidnapping, providing further support for the theory that : This is a crime that should have never occurred.

Kidnap and rape weren’t new to Jaycee’s abductor, Phillip Garrido.  He kidnapped and raped a young girl in the 1970s.  Because the victim didn’t want to press charges, law enforcement chose not to pursue charges.  The next known incident involved a 25 year old women who was giving Garrido a ride in her car.  Garrido told her to pull over, bashed her head against the steering wheel, handcuffed her, and threw her in the backseat.  He drove her to a storage shed in Reno, that he had set up for a planned abduction, with a bed, pornography, and sex toys.  Garrido raped the women for hours, until it was interrupted by a suspicious police officer.  That case went to trial, and Garrido was found guilty.  He was sentenced to imprisonment for 50 years, but the sentence was later greatly reduced.  Garrido was successful in his pleas for an early release.  He fooled people into thinking he was no longer a threat.  Garrido blamed his predatory behavior on drug use.  Garrido claimed he was a changed man; he stopped using drugs and had found god.  If it hadn’t been for his early release, Garrido would have been in prison when Jaycee was abducted.

This crime was preventable.  We can’t change what took place, but can use this as a learning experience.  As a former prosecutor, I noticed a few examples of common problems, that if handled differently, could have made a difference here.

First, it’s commonly held misconception that the victim decides whether to press charges.  The victim can express a desire to “press charges” or “not press charges” but once a crime is reported, it’s out the victim’s hands; police and prosecutors decide whether action is taken, regardless of the victim’s preference.  After a report is made, the police decide whether to give a report recommending charges to the prosecuting attorney.  The prosecuting attorney makes the ultimate decision as to whether to bring criminal charges.  It is no doubt difficult to prosecute a case without a cooperative victim.  A victim’s testimony is required if the case goes to trial.  But a victim can be required to testify at trial by subpoena.  From my experience, rarely do victims want to be involved in the prosecution of these matters.  Victims will usually eventually cooperate, once they understand that it’s the only way to stop the perpetrator from reoffending, but it’s the prosecutor and police who must explain the necessity of cooperation to the victim.

I don’t blame a victim at all for not wanting to go through the investigation and potentially a trial.  They’re scared, uncomfortable, embarrassed, and tramatized.   They don’t want to keep reliving what happened, don’t want to be blamed for what happened, and fear that their personal lives will become public knowledge.  Going to trial, a person does lose privacy and the defense attorney often does set out to damage their reputation with the jury and crediability.

Secondly, if Garrido would have served his full term, he would have been in custody long after Jaycee’s abduction.  Members of the criminal justice system should not have been fooled by Garrido.  It’s common for sex offenders to “have found god.”  Actually many sex offenders use their supposed relationship with god as both an excuse and a means to perpetrate their crime.  They tell the victim god demands them to fulfill the perpetrators desires, threaten that the victim will go to hell if she doesn’t comply, and when caught, instead of taking responsiblilty say they were mislead by the devil and have been saved by god.

Another justification for Garrido’s release was his claim to have gotten off the drugs.  I’ve seen a lot of judges fall for this old trick.  People rarely become violent offenders solely as a result of drug or alcohol use and stopping drug and alcohol abuse will not assure the end of violent behavior. This applies to domestic abuse as well.  Violent Offenders use of drugs and alcohol relates to their predatory behavior, but not in the way criminal defense attorneys want judges to believe.  Offenders use drugs and alcohol before commiting an already planned attack, as a way to relax themselves, and so that they have something to blame their behavior on other then themselves.  Offenders use drugs and alcohol to cope with what they have done.  Drugs and alcohol are often just one of the many obsessive, destructive behaviors of a predator and should not be treated as the primary cause of violent predatory behaviors.

Rihanna, Chris Brown, and Domestic Violence

Rihanna spoke candidly on 20/20 last night about the beating she endured by then boyfriend, Chris Brown.  It started with a verbal disagreement.  Chris was getting text messages from an ex girlfriend.  When confronted he lied to Rihanna about it and became violent.  Chris hit her in the face, bite her, and had her in a choke hold.  Rihanna spent some time away from Chris after the assualt, but went back to him.  She loved him, she felt like maybe she was exaggrating the situation, she felt bad for the effect the incident was having on him and his career.  These are all very common reactions for victims of domestic abuse.  After going back to Chris, Rihanna realized her feelings for him had changed.  Not that she stopped loving him, but she couldn’t continue to be with a man who had abused her, in part because of the message it sends to other young women who are abused.

Domestic abuse wasn’t a foreign concept to Rihanna.  She witnessed her dad beat her mom as a child and told herself she’d never put up with that.  Chris Brown grew up with domestic abuse too.  On Larry King, he talked about his father physically abusing his mother.  For anyone who believes Rihanna must have done something to provoke the attack, I encourage you to gain a better understanding of domestic abuse.  Abusers will often rationalize the abuse as provoked in their own minds, but it’s very difficult for me to imagine any situation where a man has justifiable cause to beat a women.  It is extremely rare that domestic abuse is limited to a one time incident.

Domestic violence is generally ongoing and becomes more severe over time.  It is often coupled with other forms of abuse, emotional, sometimes sexual.  Victims feel shameful, the abuser is apologetic, he’ll make her believe it was her fault, or that it didn’t happen the way she says it did, leading the victim to doubt her own interpretation of what took place.  He tells the victim it won’t happen again.  The victim just wants to forget about it and hope it’s really over.  There’s a lot of emotion involved, damaged self esteems.  Abuse generally doesn’t happen at the begining of a relationship, it happens when the abuser feels secure in the relationship, feels like the victim’s too invested to leave.  The lives of the victim and abuser have become intertwined with shared friends, sometimes they live together,  they may have children together, sometimes there’s financial dependance.  A victim is embarrassed to tell anyone she has allowed her man to treat her that way.  Until a victim is ready to leave the relationship for good, she often minimizes the the abuse in confronted, denies she’s abused, or keeps quiet and doesn’t report it.  When the relationship ends, it’s only a matter of time before the abuser finds a new victim and the cycle of violence continues.

Domestic abuse is learned behavior that the abuser feels he has little control over when emotions run high.  It takes a real effort for an abuser to learn to respond to anger and hurt in a nonviolent way.  At least 25% of women in the U.S. will be victims of domestic violence.  Celebrity victims of domestic abuse include Rihanna, Tyra Banks, Halle Berry, Tina Turner, and Madonna, and many more.

The Special Treatment of Women: Is it to our benefit or detriment?

Why are so many women resistent to true sexual equality?  Most commonly,  women express reluctance to give up the special treatment they recieve from men.  As a female, I can understand this concern; I have recieved plenty of the perks of being a female.  Even so, it’s important to understand that there may be costs involved in our special treatment and to consider whether it’s worth it.

The benefits of our special treatment seem more obvious, and are certainly more immediate, then any negative aspects.  Most people like to be spoiled, if given the opportunity. Plus, there are reasons to justify chivalrous behavior besides tradition.  Women spend a lot more money to maintain and improve their appearance, to look good for men, and women spend a lot more time in preparation for dates.  Men tend to make more money.

There are also disadvantages to our special treatment. Our special treatment plays a role in preventing equality and makes women more vulnerable then men. Here’s how:

1. Money gives a person power.  As a general rule, the person with the most money has the most power.  It doesn’t even matter what type of relationship it is.  Money is one of the most effective ways for parents to control adult children.  When a parent is reliant on a child for money, a shift in power occurs and there’s some role reversal.  This shift in power can also occur in friendships, between siblings, or anytime a person develops some financial dependance on another.

2. There are many women who tolerate abuse and infidelity in a relationship, because they have become financially dependant. Fear of change in lifestyle alone may keep a woman in a relationship that’s not good for her.  Many women will do less then they are capable of careerwise because they are able to rely on their spouse for money and health insurance.  After living dependantly, women fear they won’t be able to care of themselves or their children alone and may not have confidence that they can succceed on their own.

It’s still a lot more socially acceptable for a women to put her family before career, then for a man to. As a result, women are much more likely to leave their jobs when they have children, don’t work as hard towards career advancement, and have more vulnerability when it comes to being stuck in a bad relationship.

3. People feel an obligation to give something in return when they are given any type of gift.  This is why freebies are one of the most commonly used sales tactics.  Stores aren’t giving things away just to be nice.  It’s well established that giving a little something upfront leads to greater return.

Although there are some people out there who are incredibly selfless, I’ve found this to be an exception, rather then the general rule.  There are plenty of men who feel the expectation to pay on a date, but hold some resentment about it, or at least expect something more then your company in return.  Men, like people in general, will end up feeling used if they’re always the one giving.  Even wealthy men want to be liked for who they are, and can be leary of women using them for their money.  It’s no secret that plenty of men have expected sex in return their supposed generousity, and isn’t unheard of for women to feel they owe it to the man. Plenty of men are also aware of the power that paying gives them.

4. Our special treatment can serve as a justification for inequality.  Women’s lower pay was at least historically justified because women weren’t expected to support themselves or their families.  Now half of the workforce is female, and women’s wages generally serve as more then just extra spending cash.  In a lot of ways the dependant and protective qualities of our special treatment are similar to the way an adult treats a child.

5. Even if a relationship starts out with the man spoiling the women, this treatment commonly deminishes with time, but often gender roles and habits are already well established .

Would it be so bad to live in a world where men and women were equally sweet and thoughtful towards one another?  What if people tended to do what worked best for them, rather then feeling a need to act in accordance with traditional gender roles?  If we had equality, if women made as much money as men, would women care so much about the man paying her way?  My conclusion is this: There are relationships where a woman recieves special treatment, and it works out well for both involved. However, more often, at least in the long run, the tradeoffs outweigh the benefits.

What is your reaction?

The Stud/Slut Double Standard:Where it came from, why it still exists, and why it’s time for change

The Continuation of the Double Standard

The Stud/Slut distinction has been ingrained in us since youth, male promiscuity is expected, acceptable, and in many ways encouraged, while women are shamed and treated as damaged goods for the same behavior.   Parents have been guilty of perpetuating these believes in an attempt to deter their girls from sexual behavior, even though their son’s sexual behaviors have the potential to be just as problematic or life altering, to his own or his partner’s life.  Girls are called sluts by their peers out of jealousy, hurt, and insecurity.  Few women make it to adulthood without experiencing the shame of or at least the fear of being labeled a slut.  Even so, it hasn’t proven to be an effective deterent to undesirable behavior, and promiscious sexual behavior is on the rise.

The Origination of the Double Standard

The sexual double standard arose as a way for men to insure they were the father of the children they were working to support.  It began when men and women transitioned from a nomadic existance to that of farmers who settled the land.   Women and men went from having similiar responsibility and status, to a situation where women stayed home with the children.  Without birth control or bottles, this made sense.  The unforturnate side effect was that women became dependant on men for food, resources, and protection.  Women had little opportunity to gain independance, power, or ownership of property, and had little ability to learn how the world worked, outside of their homes, or to have widespread influence.

The Double Standard Today

Today we have birth control, so women have fewer children, later in life.  Today half of the workforce is female and 40% of primary breadwinners of households are female.  We now have paternity testing, so men can assure they are the fathers of the children they parent.  Our lives and needs have changed.  The reasons for the double standard’s origination no longer exist, yet the double standard persists.  Overcoming such habits and mindsets takes both time and effort.  Despite our efforts, the double standard has not been an effective deterent to irresponsible sexual, promiscuity, teen pregnancy, or cheating.  The double standard does remain an effective way to damage girls’ self esteems, to keep females from being treated as respected individuals, equal to men, to provide an excuse for irresponsible and abusive male sexual behavior, and to shame women from expressing their sexual desires in a natural, healthy way.

Conclusion

It’s time put an end to the use of the slut/stud double standard.  Valid reasons for its continuation do not exist.  Would it be so bad to live in a world where the same standard of sexual behavior apply to both men and women, where men and women are held equally accountable for irresponsible sexual behavior?  What do you think?

I’m Not a Feminist, but…

Last week I did a Twitter search to find out what people were saying about feminism. One of the most common phrases I came across was, I’m not a feminist, but…. This phrase was stated almost exclusively by women and was followed by a complaint of something that was unfair to women. Why are so many women turned off by feminism? Is it negative associations to the term feminist or are they actually against sexual equality? What do women mean when they say, I’m not a feminist? Feminism is defined as political, economic, and social equality of the sexes. Feminists are believers and advocates for sexual equality. I’m curious, do people who actively deny being feminist know what a feminist is, and if so, what specifically about feminism are they opposed to?

I understand not wanting to be labeled. I voted almost exclusively for democratic candidates for years before I was willing to label myself a democrat. Even though I’ll say I’m a democrat if asked, I’d still like to believe I make my decisions based on individual candidates and on issues, not down party line. You may also notice the purpose of my blog and website is to address issues effecting females today, mostly gender inequality, and harmful gender stereotypes, but I rarely use the term feminist, even though I am an advocate for equality.  I will not deny being a feminist, but I have found use of the word to be a turnoff to a lot of the mainstream audience.

For anyone who has ever denied being a feminist, Why? I would guess that many of those who dislike the label do believe in sexual equality, at least to some extent. What they may not realize is that feminist does not mean: man hater, bitter, extreme, against all that’s feminine, anti-sex, or any other negative connotations you may have. There are male feminists, female feminists, and feminists who have all kinds of different beliefs about what equality means and what it takes to reach equality. I don’t doubt you can find feminists who fit the stereotype of the bitter, man-hater, but there are many who don’t.

You don’t have to be aggressive or subscribe to a certain set of beliefs to consider yourself a feminist. For example, I’m happily married. My husband and I don’t act in strict accordance with gender roles. We do what works best for us. Some of those things are in accordance with traditional gender roles, others are not. If the traditional gender roles work best for those involved in their own relationships, I have no problem with that. I would also not judge a man harshly for taking on traditionally female roles, like being a primary caretaker of his children or for working as a nurse.  Most men have some femine traits, most women have some masculine traits, and that’s generally considered desirable.  People should do what works best for them, but men and women should not be limited by or judged based solely on their gender.  When it comes to gender equality, my focus is mainly on the sexual double standard and the harm in the limitations and expectations  sexism  creates.

Whether or not you identify yourself as a feminist, think about why feminism gets such a bad rap. I would imagine the main reason feminism got a bad rap initially is because the idea of women having power was historically controversial and their are still people who are uncomfortable with the idea of women being treated as equals. First, the people who actively label themselves feminists, as with any other type of label we give ourselves, tend to identify strongly with the feminist cause. This means they tend to be passionate about it, and therefore may get more fired up about inequality then others. You don’t have to be part of a formal organization to be a feminist. You only have to have the courage to publicly admit you believe in sexual equality. Secondly, feminists want social, economic, and political equality between the sexes in a world where men still hold most of the power, and that’s scary to some people.

What do the rest of you think?